CIB 2021: The great grand mashup of the big bad Bollywood films of the year

No matter which year it is, cinema wallahs say, ‘Hum nahi sudhrenge!’

Cut to the present where the hero is being chased (err… by no one, really because he beat up all the goons!). Don’t ask where he’s going because the next minute you will see him jump off a cliff on the motorbike and land on the other side. The title ‘Anokha Ishq’ appears between the two cliffs as the hero jumps.

Heroine is sent off by her very angry rich father for an education abroad. While gaon ki Simran who wears the jhumkas hero bought for her in the devi ka mela turns into a mini skirt, thigh high boots wearing ‘Sim’ - because that’s what happens when heroines go abroad - what happened to the hero, you wonder?

Cut to Kashmir. Of course, there is snow. Because hero emerges from the white (in white camouflage) and kills the terrorists that have just crossed the border silently. There is red blood on white snow, which makes him yell at the dead terrorists, ‘How dare you discolour the snow with your napaak blood?’

As soon as he says, ‘Simran loved snow… She was also pure just like mera desh!’ It begins to snow, and soon the red is gone and so are the bodies. Cut to Simran, who is not pure any more, dancing at a nightclub, drinking and even doing cocaine! Her group is very obviously made up of men who look like they are ready to convert her because they’re love jihadis…

The hero maaroes a kadak salute. He’s standing in front of seven police officers - Salman, Akshay, Ajay Devgn, Ranveer, John Abraham and Shahid Kapur and a couple of politicians (Anant Mahadevan and Akash Khurana). ‘You have to join this elite task force. Because desh par danger hai…’ Suddenly the screen behind the politician’s crackles and everyone stands and salutes the man with a flowy snow-white beard sitting in a meditation cave. The man gives the task force a thumbs up after saying, ‘Desh ko tumhare 56 inches ki zaroorat hai. Aur John, tumhare dimples ki.’

Everyone takes off their shirts and displays their gym abs.      

Mothers line-up to do aarti of their sons going away on a ‘special mission’. Cop girlfriends from Katrina Kaif to Sonakshi Sinha dance with the entire neighbourhood in a desh bhakti song about saviours. Our hero who is still pining for Simran gets empathy wala pats from all the heroes and their girlfriends, ‘Hum London jaa hee rahe hain desh bachane ke liye, tumhari Simran ko bhi uske baap se bacha lenge!’

You still think you want to see super close ups of bearded, sweaty faces as we did in Jallikattu? You still want to see the drudgery of a woman’s day in her vomit inducing leaky kitchen sink and her manner less husband and father in law when she dreams of freedom and dance? Do you still want to see how a man becomes friends with monkeys when his job is to shoo them away? Why do you want me to tell you ke bhaiyya, Jai Bhim dekho, kanoon ko haath mein lekar police can do more harm than good.

Sarpatta Parambarai has knocked out Toofan

There’s no point in telling you that Farhan Akhtar acting to be a boxer is nothing compared to the story of warring boxing families in Sarpatta Parambarai?

Most of the common folk are happier spending their hard-earned money on saving Simran who has turned into a terrorist in Anokha Ishq than using common sense.

I will now share a secret with you. If a movie claims they have earned crores, then why do they need your money? Save it, I say, and order a cheesecake or a chaat or butter chicken. These blockbusters will eventually show up on an OTT platform which you have paid for. With that gyaan, this grouch on the couch wishes you better movies in the new year!

P.S. What happens to Simran, you ask? Yeh jaanne ke liye aap meri blockbuster film ko banne toh deejiye…

(Disclaimer: The above write up is a light-hearted take and is a figment of imagination of the author. The author has no intention to hurt anyone’s feelings. The website does not hold any responsibility)